Many thanks to Annna. It still needs work, but I like the direction it's taking. Annna, please crit more if you like.
August
A night soft, filled with air
so sticky it clogs my lungs.
Women exude that deep, earth-
scented power drawing lovers in.
Cicadas scrape shins; a breeze
passes over my hot skin
carrying billions of microscopic
spores that dust everything they touch
including me.
Hanging low in the sky a heated moon glows red.
Copyright Cher Cunningham, 2007
Full Version: August (a revision)
I haven't forgotten you, lady. I'll comment, but I want to let it sink in for a day or two and compare it to the first draft. I am picking up on something I missed the first time around. This poem is almost hot in a really feminine way, but not young heat. Something is tightened already because that really popped this time. I like the title better because of it.
QUOTE(kentuckiannna @ Sep 9 2007, 09:48 AM) 
I haven't forgotten you, lady. I'll comment, but I want to let it sink in for a day or two and compare it to the first draft. I am picking up on something I missed the first time around. This poem is almost hot in a really feminine way, but not young heat. Something is tightened already because that really popped this time. I like the title better because of it.
With your help, it is heading in the direction I wanted it to go. You're right, I'm writing it in my 50-year old perspective which is much, much, different than my 20, 30, and even 40 y/o perspective. Thanks!
Cher
I like it, Cher. It seems to hold a lot of power, though I can't put my finger on why.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
QUOTE(FallingLeaf @ Sep 12 2007, 02:39 PM)
I like it, Cher. It seems to hold a lot of power, though I can't put my finger on why.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
Aha! You've unlocked it for me Troy! I don't think it need to be eliminated, just moved. I would guess to the beginning. I also like the idea of transversing night and soft, and I prefer the original air sticks to my lungs to the sticky air change. I do think the including me works way better as an ending. I think you can bring the "dewy woman" dynamic back in, Cher, but don't accuse a generic stranger of being full of shit. Something like, more than dewy, women exude... Just a thought.
PS: The CD came today. Thanks!
QUOTE(FallingLeaf @ Sep 12 2007, 01:39 PM)
I like it, Cher. It seems to hold a lot of power, though I can't put my finger on why.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
Troy - thanks for your 2 cents as well. I have some time to kill and was getting ready to work on it for a bit. You have given me more to think about as well.
Cher
QUOTE(kentuckiannna @ Sep 12 2007, 07:37 PM)
QUOTE(FallingLeaf @ Sep 12 2007, 02:39 PM)
I like it, Cher. It seems to hold a lot of power, though I can't put my finger on why.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
I read the first version as well, though I did not read Anna's critique of that one. So take this for what's it's worth... while the last stanza/line may have some meaning for you, for me it sort of just hangs out there. It almost seems an unrelated afterthought, and reminds me of an awkward moment after an important conversation. If the poem were to stop at "including me," I'd have been completely fulfilled by it.
My $0.02. For you? $0.015.
Aha! You've unlocked it for me Troy! I don't think it need to be eliminated, just moved. I would guess to the beginning. I also like the idea of transversing night and soft, and I prefer the original air sticks to my lungs to the sticky air change. I do think the including me works way better as an ending. I think you can bring the "dewy woman" dynamic back in, Cher, but don't accuse a generic stranger of being full of shit. Something like, more than dewy, women exude... Just a thought.
PS: The CD came today. Thanks!
I hope you enjoy the CD just because.
You may already be familiar with much on it, but there might be something new in there as well. Now, to the piece. I don't like the way the last line hangs there either, but I do like it; I'm just not sure where it will end up. You and Troy have hit on some of the things I've been thinking of concerning it, and as I have some free time ... I'm going to work on it a bit this afternoon.
Thanks again!
Cher
August (revision 2)
A night soft, filled with air so thick
it sticks to my lungs.
Hanging low in the sky a heated moon glows red
as cicadas scrape shins.
Sultry, I exude that deep, earthy
scent that draws lovers in.
A breeze passes over my hot skin carrying billions of
microscopic spores dusting everything they touch
including me.
A night soft, filled with air so thick
it sticks to my lungs.
Hanging low in the sky a heated moon glows red
as cicadas scrape shins.
Sultry, I exude that deep, earthy
scent that draws lovers in.
A breeze passes over my hot skin carrying billions of
microscopic spores dusting everything they touch
including me.
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