After rereading this, perhaps it should be considered a study in cliches.

Feel free to critique.

August

A night soft, sultry with air so thick
it sticks to my lungs.

Whoever said women are dewy
was full of shit. We exude that deep,
earthy-scented power drawing lovers in.

Cicadas scrape shins, and I shiver as a breeze
passes over my hot skin.

Languid, hanging low in the sky a
heat moon glows red.

Copyright Cher Cunningham, 2007

Okay, I'm taking this at face value. I'm kind of in the mood to critique. Know that I love you and respect you as an artist. And I present with a touch of playfulness, as I've been drinking a bit.



Interesting choice for a title. I like single word titles, but this is probably too vague, IMO.



A noun, so descriptive,
it acts like a verb.

Just a little fun—just the Cosmo talking.

But seriously, I know your style, and you have an inclination toward an image that leads to suggestion. That generally serves you well, but you usually have to uncover it in your poetry. Once you took up photography, I realized that it was the image and what it suggested to you that drove you to poetry. It’s happening again, though I applaud for even taking up the keyboard, as it’s more than I have done in recent months.

Anyway, I suggest you translate this noun into action from the top, leaving out sultry aspects of the air, and dropping the thickness metaphor that is stale. Sticking to your lungs actually works, though I think there’s something you could do that would make that pop some more. What sticks like that? Paron the pun, and the anti-advice, but you’re thick in simile territory.




In my opinion, you need to either slice this off, or, better yet, expand it in ways that incorporates a sexual equilibrium. Even if he or she is not present, the scent suggests sex, and the title does not. It throws me. You know what you want, and yet you don’t even tease it. You should, you know.



Cut and add. You decide. I think if you expand that middle, this will flow fine to the end with just a bit of economy.

Ah, at the CJ site, you mentioned the terminology that lead to your choice for a "heat moon." I still think you should change it to the past tense, as it makes more sense, and makes it your own--in terms of you being from a culture outside the Indian one you cited. Since you can't possibly be a Nansemond Indian, only inspired by them, I think it's more ethical to suggest them in your own language than it is to adopt their language as your own. I'm thinking authenticity here.

Annna, I was SOOOO hoping you would bite! I haven't written in ages and truthfully I thought this one was a load of crap. You give me hope that there is something there to work with. I've been wanting to pick up the pen again, but the camera seems to have replaced it. I like the suggestions you have made and am going to sit down with this one later in the week when I'm not so tired.

Thanks again, sis.

Cher

Well thanks for the chance--it felt good! It has been a while since I've written anything as well. Been going through somewhat of an identity transition in that area, and have been questioning the true value of modern poetry in this world. Who knows where I'll end up, but I've got some more journeying to do with it, that much I know. Anyway, best of luck and I look forward to your revision.