I'm too lazy to look. Has this been done before?

I'll start with this:

"Did you have to take an illiteracy exam to get this job?" -- Ellen Burstyn, The Exorcist.

Cher

"tell us we will die like dogs"
"que?"
"tell us we will die like dogs"
"you WILL die like dogs"
"NO! we will fight like lions!"

Paul: "So you're the little neighborhood Lolita."
Marty: "So you're the alcoholic high school buddy shit-for-brains."

Michael Rapaport and Natalie Portman in Beautiful Girls

"My name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

"You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never to get involved in a land war in Asia. And only slightly less well known is this: never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

"There's this beautiful girl just f d me forty ways from Sunday... we're done, she's walking to the bathroom, she's trying to walk, she turns... she looks... it's me. Not the Trojan army just f d her. Little ol' me. She gets this look on her face like: "How the hell did that happen?"
- Al Pacino (my secret husband) in Devil's Advocate

"A woman's shoulders are the front lines of her mystique, and her neck, if she's alive, has all the mystery of a border town. A no-man's land in that battle between the mind and the body."
-ditto

"I'm here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began. I've nurtured every sensation man's been inspired to have. I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him, in spite of all his imperfections. I'm a fan of man. I'm a humanist. Maybe the last humanist."
- ditto

You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?
- ditto

And finally:
Free will, it is a b

Reminds me of a couple of my favorite movie lines:

Betty: Have you ever done this before?

Rita: I don't know. Have you?


(from Mulholland Drive)

I prefer to corrupt a line from before.

"My name is Luke Skywalker. You are my father. Prepare to die."
--What SHOULD have been in Return of the Jedi

And from TV: (because as much as I like movies, I like this so much more)
"One thing we do know: someone somewhere wants me crazy."
--Dave Nelson, NewsRadio 4x14

Okay, it's too much fun to quit now. Here are some actual movies:
"Look at me, jerking off in the shower. This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here."
--Lester Burnham, American Beauty

Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter: I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit.
--Office Space

"Move the thing! No, the other thing!"
-Princess Bride

Who is this man?
He's an asshole sir.
I know that, but what's his name?
That is his name

I won't spell out the entire routine, but that's one of my faves. Probably more spaceballs quotes to come.

Best movie line from 2004:

"Did you drink and dial?"
-Sideways

... ape!

Apes don't read philosophy.

Yes, they do, Otto! They just don't understand it! Let me correct you on a couple of things: Aristotle was not Belgian! The central message of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself!' And the London Underground is not a political movement!

"Bountyhunters! We dont need thier kind."
"Yes Sir." --- SW The Empire Strikes Back

Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.

Hmm, and here I thought Sarah Vowell coined that phrase. Just kidding.


Another couple:
"No more rhymes now, I mean it
Anybody want a peanut?


Los Angeles International airport. You will never find a more rechid hive of scum and villainry. (ok, ok, so it was originally Mos Isley, but I think my substitution fits well).

Okay, then I will.

Dark Helmet: Who made that man a gunner?
Major: I did sir. He's my cousin.
Dark Helmet: Who is he?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole sir.
Dark Helmet: I know that! What's his name?
Colonel Sandurz: That is his name sir. Asshole, Major Asshole!
Dark Helmet: And his cousin?
Colonel Sandurz: He's an asshole too sir. Gunner's mate First Class Philip Asshole!
Dark Helmet: How many asholes do we have on this ship, anyway?
[Entire bridge crew stands up and raises a hand]
Entire Bridge Crew: Yo!
Dark Helmet: I knew it. I'm surrounded by assholes!
[Dark Helmet pulls his face shield down]
Dark Helmet: Keep firing, assholes!


And a personal favorite:

"Is this the band then? I'll bet U2 are shitting themselves." - The Commitments

from State and Main:

[after emerging from an upside-down station wagon he has just crashed]
Bob Barrenger: So, that happened.

from Rain Man:

Raymond: Ten minutes to Wapner.

i like the line that went something like:

"girls only like guys with skills..."

"She batted them big eyes at you and you fell for it, like an egg from a tall chicken!"
- Tex Panthollow (James Coburn) to Peter Joshua/Adam Canfield/Alexander Dyle/Brian Crookshank (Cary Grant) in Charade

I think it's from So I Married An Axe Murderer.

Mike Meyers talking about "carnies"...

"Small hands... smells of cabbage."

caddyfrickinshack


So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know."

And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

(i could play this game all day long...)

Major League:

"You may run like Mayes, but you hit like shit."

Rain Man:

"Of course after they bring the pancakes out, then it's definitely, definitely going to be too late for the syrup."

and...

"Serious injury. Squeezed and pulled and hurt my neck in 1988."

"I'm just happy, Clem." - Eternal Sunshine

"I hope your mango is ripe." - You've Got Mail (it's just cute!)

Bill: "Socrates... 'The only true wisdom consists of knowing that you know nothing.'"
(short pause)
Ted: "That's us, dude!"
Bill: "Oh yeah!"

Ted: "Want a Twinkie, Genghis Kahn?"

Ted (of Genghis Kahn): "This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods."

Bill: "You killed Ted, you Medieval dickweed!"

Bill: "Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar."
Ted: "Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video."
Bill: "Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments."
Ted: "Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't even really know how to play?"
Bill: "That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!"
Ted: "And THAT is why we need a triumphant video."
(pause, both look confused)
Bill, Ted: "EXCELLENT!"

Ted (to Missy): "Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends."
Bill: "Yeah. This is Dave Beeth Oven. And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid."
Ted: "Bob Genghis Khan. So-crates Johnson. Dennis Frood. And uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln."

-General Jack D. Ripper / Dr. Strangelove (Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb)

"I have come here to kick ass, and chew bubble gum. And I'm all out of bubble gum."
--Rowdy Roddy Piper, probably the worst actor of all time, in They Live, probably the worst movie of all time. MAN I enjoyed that flick. Eh, Micke?

Ummmm, how about Hell Comes to Frog Town? So, damn bad it was funnier than shit. Roddy running around in a chastity belt - too funny for words. I think that was in this movie. I saw it on Gilbert Gottfried's Friday night movie show on USA back in the 90's.

Cher

I thought it was, "I only came here to do two things, kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we're almost out of beer." from Dazed and Confused.

-dazedandconfused.

HOW HAS NOBODY DONE THIS ONE YET?!?!?!!?!?!


(warning: ridiculously explicity language ahead)




Jules: .. Oh did I break your concentration? Oooh you were finished. Well then allow me to retort.

You were saying something about best intentions??

What does Marcellus Wallace look like?

Brett: What?

Jules: What aint no country I ever heard of. They speak english in what?

Brett: WWWWHat?

Jules: English mother****er ... do you speak it.

Brett: Yes!

Jules: Then describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like

Brett: What?!

Jules: Say what again. Say what one mo God damn time I dare you. I double dare you mother****er.. say what again. What does Marcellus Wallace look like?

Brett: He's bald..

Jules: Go on..

Brett: He's black ...

Jules: ... does he look like a bitch?

Brett: Wwwhat?!

Jules: (Shoots Brett in the shoulder).... Does he look like a Bitch!!!

Brett: NOOOO!

Jules: Then why you trying to **** him like one?

Brett: I didnt

Jules: Yes you did Brett.. yes you did. And Marcellus Wallace dont like to be ****ed by anyone except Mrs. Wallace.

Jules: Do you read the bible Brett?

Brett: yes....

Jules: Well there's this passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 5:17....

The path of the righteous is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men

Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengence and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

For you will know, my name is the lord. When I lay my vengence upon thee. (Gun shots..)


Sam Jackson is the f***ing man.

"Mister, there's a lot of things I'm not saying with you pokin' that shotgun in my middle. But I'm not gona hit ya, I'm not gona hit ya... awe like hell I'm not." --John Wayne, "McClintock"

"The AK47 assault rifle. When you positively, absolutely have to kill every muffukah in the room, accept no substitute."

Samuel Big L Jackson, in Jackie Brown

aw, hell...i gots to do another...

(again, lots of dirty talk, so look away little ones...)









Vincent: And you know what they call a... a... a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris?
Jules: They don't call it a Quarter Pounder with cheese?
Vincent: No man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the **** a Quarter Pounder is.
Jules: Then what do they call it?
Vincent: They call it a Royale with cheese.
Jules: A Royale with cheese. What do they call a Big Mac?
Vincent: Well, a Big Mac's a Big Mac, but they call it le Big-Mac.
Jules: Le Big-Mac. Ha ha ha ha. What do they call a Whopper?
Vincent: I dunno, I didn't go into Burger King.

and again...





Esmeralda: What is your name?
Butch: Butch.
Esmeralda: What does it mean?
Butch: I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean shit

Oh GOD!!! I can't STOP!!!











Vincent: Want some bacon?
Jules: No man, I don't eat pork.
Vincent: Are you Jewish?
Jules: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.
Vincent: Why not?
Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.
Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy mother****er. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own faeces.
Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.
Jules: I don't eat dog either.
Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.
Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charmin' mother****in' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

"the world will open to you like a beautiful...vagina."--Bullets over Broadway

i don't know where to start with this one... if i'm not careful, i'll end up posting half the movie.



Sir Bedevere: What makes you think she's a witch?
Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt.
Sir Bedevere: A newt?
Peasant 3: ...I got better.
Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!


and...

French Soldier: You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nnnnnnig-hts.

and...

King Arthur: I am your king.
Woman: Well I didn't vote for you.
King Arthur: You don't vote for kings.
Woman: Well how'd you become king then?
[Angelic music plays... ]
King Arthur: The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king.
Dennis: [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

okay, i better stop myself now...

-Betsey

p.s. due to the influence of my older brothers, i was quoting this movie in elementary school before i had even seen it...

"I'm Viagravated and I'm not going to take it any more! No man has the right to be that hard for that long."

~ A Dirty Shame ~

heeeelarious movie. If you're a fan of the sex thread, you need to watch this. ...think along the lines of Airplane meets Porkys. NC-17 or R. the NC-17 isn't not bad at all, go for that one.

So, society owes you a snickers bar? - from Reality Bites.

*rotfl*

aaron, i knew i could count on you.

how'zabout this one?

"hey, don't bogart that CAN, MAN..." -reality bites

My contribution:

Dr. Egon Spengler: There's something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don't cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I'm fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, "bad?"
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That's bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks Egon.

Peter Faulk: "Stop it. Stop it, I said."
David Niven: "What is it, Diamond?"
Peter Faulk: "She's giving me the finger, the dirty old broad."

Murder By Death

this movie annoyed the crap out of me, but produced a gem of a line...

"There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him." (bill murray in what about bob?)

and great kickass/bubblegum line, by the way. matched only by the fight scene that wouldn't die.

I really have to watch that movie again soon. I didn't even realize that Jaenene Garafolo was in it! Here I thought she was just some gal with a left wing radio show, lol.

Does anyone here have Sandra Bullock's movie 28 Days? It's almost entirey forgettable, except for Jasper's "we'll be like normal people" monogologue at the end, involving goldfish and the death of pyromania. I wrote the entire thing down in one of my notebooks, but I have several thousands of pages of notebooks, and all I know is that it's located somewhere between 1999 and 2003. I want that monologue.



Other favorite lines:

"Suddenly an unconscious Argentinean fell through my ceiling. He was then joined by a dwarf dressed as a nun." - Christian, Moulin Rouge

"Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fücked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours." -- Clementine, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

"Are we the dining dead?" -- Joel, ESotSM

[from magically-seven-year-old Annie] "Dad, dad, I met a man in Rome! And he's wonderful, and brilliant, and we're getting married." -- Father of the Bride (1991)

Found this online, but it seems a bit short for a monologue: I'll buy running shoes. We'll take up yoga or jogging. You know, we'll be organized. Pay our bills, floss our teeth. We won't set fire to the apartment anymore. I'll buy a goldfish, and we'll be like normal people.

It isn't not bad? So it is bad?

well, it certainly wasn't what i was expecting from an NC-17 rating. this was the first NC-17 i've seen and had in my mind it was going to be close to porn. eventhough the movie was about sex and its going on all the time, you never really see it. there is one brief scene with a man and woman standing totally nekkid as they answer the front door, but thats it.

Don't forget: "I fart in your general direction."


That has to be the most inspired totally pointless move ever made.

Patrik

WARNING. Insane cursing ahead...

From Dogma:
------------------

Bartleby: I was close. You know, I was so close to slittin' that b-tch's throat. You know how that felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even.

Loki: You all right man? Your eyes are kinda...

Bartleby: My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God.

Loki: Uh huh

Bartleby: Then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... As I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain. Like they do. But no! We're servants!

Loki: Okay... You know, all I'm sayin' here, is one of us might need a little nap.

Bartleby: [claps hands] Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise - they threw it away. They were given this planet - they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe he exists. And in spite of it all... He hath shown them infinite f--king patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... Once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! Where was his infinite f--king patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch our-our would be dispatchers.

Loki: Wait. Wait. Wait. Kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean... Those guys were all right.

Bartleby: Don't. Don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me once. Scion or not, she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul

Loki: My God. I've heard a rant like this before

Bartleby: What did you say?

Loki: I've heard a rant like this before

Bartleby: Don't you f--kin' do that to me

Loki: You sound like the Morning Star

Bartleby: You shut your f--kin' mouth!

Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer man! You f--kin' lost it! You're not talkin' about goin' home Bartleby, you're talkin' about f--kin' war on God. Well f--k that. I have seen what happens to the proud when then take on the throne. I'm goin' back to Wisconsin.

Bartleby: [Bartleby violently throws Loki against a pillar in the parking garage] We're going home, Loki! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise.

Willy Wonka: Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and it is frowned upon in most societies.