Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sautéed frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't fućking think so.
Full Version: Jokes and Funnies Threads
Advantages Of Being A Woman
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
i find it interesting that troy is a man and still posted that in the manner he did.
I find it annoying that multiple items revolved around lipstick. Who the hell wears lipstick? 
Troy's just veeery secure in hisfemi masculinity. 
Troy's just veeery secure in his
QUOTE(Daneel @ May 14 2005, 09:17 AM)
i find it interesting that troy is a man and still posted that in the manner he did.
You think THAT'S interesting?? You should see me in lipstick.
"Are you threatening me with lipstick?"
QUOTE(b_lachey@hotmail.com @ May 14 2005, 10:15 AM)
"Are you threatening me with lipstick?"
I'm threatening you with THIS:
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Hehe! My favorite part of that story is how you exchanged "Troy" for the pronoun "he" all the time!
I like wearing lipstick.
Ummm ... wha?
I apologize if anyone has heard this...it was new to me.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson f*cks little boys.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson f*cks little boys.
steve, that made me laugh out loud. thanks.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says.
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says,
"Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was
pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars." The guy says.
"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
A really dumb guy goes out and buys a toilet brush.
A week later he goes back to paper.
A week later he goes back to paper.
When Nadiya said she wanted to feed the goats, I don't think this is what she had in mind.
OK...here's a silly joke I learned from a 12 year old...
A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. He asked, "So, how did you end up with that peg leg?"
The pirate replied, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me in, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"
"Well," replied the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get that eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked in surprise.
"Well," said the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."
A sailor met a pirate, and they started to talk about their adventures at sea. The sailor noticed that the pirate had a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch. He asked, "So, how did you end up with that peg leg?"
The pirate replied, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me in, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" exclaimed the sailor. "How did you get that hook?"
"Well," replied the pirate, "we boarded an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut off my hand."
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get that eye patch?"
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked in surprise.
"Well," said the pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."
I haven't laughed this hard in about 100 years....
Ha!!!!
Okay, I am highly amused by this website: www.saveKatie.org
Okay, I am highly amused by this website: www.saveKatie.org
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."
QUOTE(pico de gallo @ Jun 10 2005, 04:04 PM)
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
that's priceless!!!!
peace,
zayne
QUOTE(jame$ @ Jun 10 2005, 11:10 AM)
I haven't laughed this hard in about 100 years....
That kills ... thanks, James!
QUOTE(LazyAsSin @ May 25 2005, 07:23 PM)
I apologize if anyone has heard this...it was new to me.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson f*cks little boys.
What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, and Michael Jackson f*cks little boys.
F*cking.Hilarious.
Oh my goodness... this thread is hi-larious.
troy's first joke, trudy's joke, john's joke and james' picture. oh my gosh. sooo funny!
troy's first joke, trudy's joke, john's joke and james' picture. oh my gosh. sooo funny!
A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up, checks its teeth and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No," said the vet, "because he's heavy."
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up, checks its teeth and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down" "
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No," said the vet, "because he's heavy."
this is my favourite thread!
HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU IN 25 LANGUAGES....
1. English . . . . . . . .
. I Love You
2. Spanish . . . . . . .
. Te Amo
3. French . . . . . . . . . .
. Je T'aime
4. German . . . . . . . . .
. lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese . . . . . . .
. Ai Shite Imasu
6. Italian . . . . . . . . . . . .
. Ti Amo
7. Chinese . . . . . . . . . .
. Wo Ai Ni
8. Swedish . . . . . . . . . .
. Jag Alskar
9. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of Florida .
............. Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
1. English . . . . . . . .
. I Love You
2. Spanish . . . . . . .
. Te Amo
3. French . . . . . . . . . .
. Je T'aime
4. German . . . . . . . . .
. lch Liebe Dich
5. Japanese . . . . . . .
. Ai Shite Imasu
6. Italian . . . . . . . . . . . .
. Ti Amo
7. Chinese . . . . . . . . . .
. Wo Ai Ni
8. Swedish . . . . . . . . . .
. Jag Alskar
9. - 25. Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky & parts of Florida .
............. Nice Ass, Get in the truck.
Heard this on the radio this morning...
So did you hear Michael Jackson already has a book deal? It's tentatively called "The Ins and Outs of Child-rearing."
So did you hear Michael Jackson already has a book deal? It's tentatively called "The Ins and Outs of Child-rearing."
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened. Women may go to choose
a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor,
but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking.
"Wow," so she goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" So she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor
5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor
6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
Have a nice day.
a husband from among many men.
The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive
attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch.
As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor,
but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have
jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and
are extremely good looking.
"Wow," so she goes to the fourth floor, and the sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the
housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" So she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor
5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the
housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor
6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
Have a nice day.
LMAO
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of these sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.
It's very effective!
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those moments".
One that I found very effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of these sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.
It's very effective!
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make
a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, a lot of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do there. At the end of the
first week they even presented her with a "pay" envelope containing a
couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us.
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those f*cking assholes at f*cking Home Depot ever deliver the motherf*cking sheet rock."
Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make
a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
workers. Eventually the construction crew, a lot of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do there. At the end of the
first week they even presented her with a "pay" envelope containing a
couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
savings account.
When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed and asked the
little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building
the house next door to us.
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those f*cking assholes at f*cking Home Depot ever deliver the motherf*cking sheet rock."
Kinda brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
I apologize in advance....
A man walks into a doctor's office asking for the contraceptive pill for his daughter. The doctor replies, "How old is your daughter?"
"She's 14," he replies.
A bit surprised, the doctor asks, "Is she sexually active at 14?"
He replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother."
A man walks into a doctor's office asking for the contraceptive pill for his daughter. The doctor replies, "How old is your daughter?"
"She's 14," he replies.
A bit surprised, the doctor asks, "Is she sexually active at 14?"
He replies, "No, she just lays there like her mother."
ok - i'll attempt redemption here...
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a deputy.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the deputy?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.. "Me"
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a deputy.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the deputy?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.. "Me"
WARNING: This is slightly gross. Please don't look if you think a sex joke might offend you. I just figured with some of the stuff that makes the "sex" thread, some people might find this funny...
...because I peed my pants laughing so hard.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff soap:
...because I peed my pants laughing so hard.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff soap:
QUOTE(jame$ @ Jun 19 2005, 04:30 PM)
Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff soap:
I am never. Ever. Washing my hands again.
QUOTE(jame$ @ Jun 19 2005, 05:30 PM)
...because I peed my pants laughing so hard.
Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff soap:
Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff soap:
did you pee, for real?
dude. that soap. it's crazy!
Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, New madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith."
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love Vinnie
garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son,
Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to
his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the
plot for me.
Love Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the
BODIES.
Love Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the
entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and
left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.
Love Vinnie
The power mower was broken and wouldn't run, a lady kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.
Ha!
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be Shit outta luck if he needed glasses".
When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny. "Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be Shit outta luck if he needed glasses".
Where do I keep finding this stuff?!?!
Sitting on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "There must be something wrong". So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the
route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."
state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, "There must be something wrong". So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back, wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to be the problem?"
The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the
route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 127."
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a
new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an
important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a
new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Oh, man. Don't get me started on pictures.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blond, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass. Yet the deer
excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse
produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
:: snicker ::
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
The blond, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me
ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff: grass. Yet the deer
excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse
produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
:: snicker ::
From the stupid criminal files....
I saw this above a copy machine today and it made me laugh...
Men's Rules for Women
These are our rules! Please note they are all numbered one on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You are a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down...
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping in NOT a sport. And no, we're never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one; subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color! Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what a mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Men's Rules for Women
These are our rules! Please note they are all numbered one on purpose!
1. Men are not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You are a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down...
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping in NOT a sport. And no, we're never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one; subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
1. "Yes" and "no" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color! Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what a mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say, "nothing," we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...really.
1. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
I'lllll beeee gooonnnne....in a day or twooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
http://familyguyaha.ytmnd.com/
http://familyguyaha.ytmnd.com/
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