Date: Sun, 13 Feb 2005 19:10:24 -0500 An operations manager for Jack in the
Box was late for a meeting and called his boss to tell him he was running
late. As he was leaving the voice mail message, he witnessed an accident
and went on to provide "play by play" of the incident. This is the actual
voice mail message. It was forwarded so many times within Jack in the Box,
it crashed their voice mail server.

http://home.swbell.net/kf5tv/voicemail.mp3

***Listen for the "N V I" Bible comment.

this is great

thanks for sharing!!

I can't believe someone actually saw me get pounded by those old ladies!

Seeing 7 people in the chat room with "keith" in their names tonight made me laugh!

Thanks guys, y'all are just too much fun.

the text msg i received from a particular sick ****.

peace,
zayne

Zayne, I don't remember texting you. Hmmm...

Things that made me laugh today:
The Daily Show
Watching my former vegetarian friend eat an entire rotisserie chicken (low carb diet, indeed!)
talking about gross, hilarious things on the phone with another sick****

I heard the story yesterday of a friend of mine (a really nice guy) who was doing his ob/gyn rotation. He was assisting in a c-section delivery of an unexpectedly large, 13 pound baby. Forgetting that the mother was awake on the other side of the drape, his first response to seeing the baby was, "Oh my god, it's a monster." Needless to say he felt horrible...

The 120 lb puppy, Gracie, gets let out on the porch every morning...where she sits, stretches, yawns, and looks like she could have slept through the day....until the big red mutt, Max, trots by, looking for breakfast, and the pile of Gracie LEAPS to her feet, bounds down the steps and pushes Max in circles while slobbering all over his face.

I can just hear her doggy thoughts, "doo...de.doooooo....why am I up? ::yawn:: blink...blink...I wonder when breakfa...MAX! MAX MAX MAX! Oh Max it's YOU! I haven't seen you in so LONG! Look! LOOK! I learned how to french kiss! I love you I love you I love you....lick lick lick lick lick lick lick."

And poor Max who's getting pushed in a circle, keeps looking up forlornly at the porch where he assumes his breakfast is waiting for him...so close...yet so far away.

This little boy gets on the bus today, and the entire trip downtown, he's smiling at me, yelling out "EIGHT!!!!" My gosh, I was busting a gut the entire bus ride.

Things that made me laugh today:

ME -- doing a ninja imitation, carrying a lime-green mop as I chased a couple of stray cats from my girlfriend's yard.

: )

Those cats ran away real fast!!

My dog. She just cracks me the F@$* up.

This always makes me laugh:

thinking about annNa bombing the mom!

My professor's youngest daughter. She's about ten, and yesterday, she was totally trash-talking my friend Bill while playing volleyball, calling him "old man" and related insults (he's 21). As she and her mom were leaving, she called out, "Bye old prune! Bye old prune! Bye raisin!" I laughed so hard, and I'm still calling Bill raisin.

Thought for the day ......

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Haha. I guess it's only fitting for the mom who is the bomb to bomb the mom...

let me tell a story...
one time,
right after i stopped being a vegetarian, my co-workers (in bed-stuy! (that's for fred!)) bought me popeye's chicken. everyone was so shocked, they loved watching me eat it!

lotsa laughs, fun memories!

hooters wetnap: you have the body of a god, buddha.

Bed-Stuy, Do or Die!

I'd a paid to see that myself. Remind me to tell my turkey leg story!

me, my roommate and a few neighbor dudes carrying a full size bed down the street, Norhood-style!

That was YOU!?!

Ick. I ain't laying on that thing!

The woman who does the overhead paging at the hospital I'm currently at has a very nasal, old-lady type voice. Anyway, she honest-to-god just paged "Jack Me-off" to call some number. Poor lady...

PS--I wasn't the one who asked for the page either...

This cracked my stuff up today!

How to never get laid again

Where the geeks have no name.

I think that's where my ex lives. *snicker*

...

I'm laughing on the inside...

SaveToby

What the hell? Eat him, then! 50 grand my carcass.

bill being the one to bring up religion in a poll thread.

Three words: The Kitten Cannon!

This is from a while back but I saw a bumper sticker that read... CATS ALMOST ALWAYS WINK WHEN HIT ON THE HEAD WITH A BALL-PEEN HAMMER. I know it is cruel but it is still kind of funny.

Talking shit with Fred and Samantha

Literally!! tee hee!

That's funny because I was just going to post about how hanging out with you guys made me laugh (especially your story about your ex )

Thinking about the scandalized look on Mariesa's face last night. And if you've ever tried to scandalize Mariesa ... well, it ain't easy folks!

Getting my ass handed to me by 1) a very hilly 5-mile race and 2) my two friends, both 10-15 years older, who smoked me in it (though, admittedly, who weren't running through the haze of martini-induced hangover)

kitten cannon - 1954 feet!

ok... more like a giggle.

mariesa's new avatar

that cracked me up yesterday, before I even knew if she knew....
er sumthin...
~m

this kinda math even i can do!

This equation should be taught in all math classes!

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top!

that's pretty damn good, Jane!

The picture speaks for itself:

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat and waited for an answer... ...for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

In my office today, Angela barges into a conversation and asks,

"does anyone know CPR?"

i just saw a picture of adam duritz (counting crows) with bob saget and christian slater. why does that make me laugh?

Did you know that Adam Duritz's dreads aren't real? THAT makes me laugh.

oh my gosh. i just saw that. that's hilarious!

that reminds me of a story. i used to work with an older gentleman, and one time he took his grandkids to pizza hut. there happened to be a mennonite family eating in the restaurant as well. half-way through the dinner, one of the kids shouts out, "hey look, pappy! the pilgrims eat pizza too!"

Bruce makes me laugh.

Dan's junk on the pool table

Amanda showing her ass crack to distract Bill from his pool shot.

You said "junk" ... nice!